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It always flows....

Exploding Realities





November 4th, 2008

[Heavy Sigh]

I shouldn't really care, but I do. I feel abandoned right now. It freaks me out quite a bit to feel like this, especially at work. I think my Pandora radios station is helping me stay stable right now, but man, I just want to curl up in bed at home right now.

Old wounds seem to have opened a bit, and it is bringing with it some insecurities and doubts I've not had in a while.

I often feel I'm supposed to be strong all the time, and act so, but it's not usually what is running underneath. I'm so tired of drama, and I'm so tired of giving a rats about things that don't matter. But unfortunately I can't move away from this feeling very quickly right now.

Please don't just run away like that... I'm so afraid I may do that to someone somday.

(aside) My proudest piece yet:


October 25th, 2008

Mind Stuff

Okay, so this image is not animated... it's just still... apparently the slower the objects spin, the more your capable of handling stress. These were shown to prison inmates, and apparently to them, the objects were spinning really quick. Weird no? So odd, it's like watching a Harry Potter photo, only on the web.

Oh, and if you want to get yourself addicted to some little thing that is fun and actually has really cool brain puzzles... check this out: http://www.moshimonsters.com/monsters/thunderyne
You can add me as a friend if you join:

October 13th, 2008


Hi all,

I have a favor to ask. I know that life can be difficult, and for the past couple of years it has been very extra tough for my Father, Douglas Gilbert. We just moved him from Longview, WA, like I said in the last post. He hasn't been able to sell the house there, and no one seems interested in it. There are new sudden problems about the house, and he is major stressed. It sounds like he may have to take another financial loss, and he has absolutely no money, and I'm sure he has had debt.

My father and I have had a tough time relating in our lives, and he seems to have had some rough fathering himself... he's been through medical issues, and debt, and poverty, etc. What I wonder now, is what is the point of all this? I know that the Universe is trying to teach everyone everything, but here is what I want:

If you could, please send some energy toward not just these problems, but toward my father. Some energy and positivity to create a conducive catalyst to help him in his life. Give him some relief so that he can finally relax some more and have some reflection time. I feel like he needs growth, and if any of us can send energy or if you don't have time even just a positive thoughts, maybe we can push his growth in a more calm positive direction.

Please ask for help for him, some peace, a little money, some prosperity and positive growth. Anything you can do.

Anything you can do I am so grateful for. I love my father, and I want the best for him. It's hard to see him suffer. Please help if you can.

Thank you all,



October 12th, 2008

Back in Black and Blue

Dear Lord (and I don't mean this is the prayer way, I mean this is the good god way ((I don't mean that in the prayer way either)))

It has been a long time. Now without going into my usual rant about how and why it's been so long, let me just say why I'm back on LJ.
Number one: First off, I want to be able to write, and I forgot my journal. I need the creative and expressive outlet. Awesome.
Number two: I want to keep in touch with people. I have found that these days, this is pretty difficult to do without the internet. Considering that I don't spend that much time off of the computer these days, I'm gonna use some of it on LJ, and attempt to keep it calm and grounded.
Number three:There isn't a number three I don't think.

Alright, on to the good stuff. Where am I at? I'm in PA. I just drove across the country with my Dad, 5 pets, lots of Subway sandwiches and some energy drinks. Considering that 7 creatures were all crammed into a Honda Element, it really could have gone worse. I expected many snags, and there were some, but we successfully found our way from Portland, OR to Allentown, PA in just 5 days.

I'm very glad I brought my camera. Although I didn't document the whole trip (as I'm a scenic and macro photographer rather than a journalist) I did score what I hope will be some epic photos. I can't wait to get back to photoshop. I miss it. I will be putting up some of those photos here, and I will also put some up on deviantart, once they are tweaked.

The trip was a very good bonding experience for not only the cutest cat on the planet (june june) but for me and my father. I'm sure some of you know my parental past has been a bit shaky, but this was a great opportunity to have some good conversations and experiences on our journey. We had plenty of time to talk since we traversed, in sequence Idaho, The Northeast corner of Utah, Wyoming, Nebraska, Iowa Illinois, Indiana, Ohio, and finally Pennsylvania. I have nearly doubled the states I've seen in the US now, and have a much better sense of their location. I'm defenitely gonna do some road tripping in the next year to not only see some of the great natural landscapes around, but also to take pictures of them :p.

So without going on and on and on, in short, I got some great photos I hope to show you, am really glad I'm no longer in the car, and am looking forward to the changes ahead.

As far as a brief synopsis of my personal life, I'm taking new steps to improve it. I hate drama. I will be kind compassionate, and as good a friend as I can be to those I encounter in this life, but I'm trying hard to remove myself from, as Ashley put it so plainly and brilliantly "toxic or poisonous situations." In order to better create a feeling peace and positivity in myself I've become quite determined to feel no guilt about the things that I do, even the darker things. I'm learning to be good to myself and my body, yet at the same time not take myself seriously enough to get caught in my head.

Last night, the last push to Allentown, my Dad and I and were talking about aliens and 2012, and such stuff. I was pleased to find out that he's not closed minded about that stuff. It was great. After my crazy Redbull high, I finally started calming down and I actually started slipping into altered states. The moonlight flickering through the trees and the talk of energy and 2012 and aliens really got my mind tuned into a different level. It was really nice to feel once again the old ones stirring in the world around me, and in my own mind. (Don't worry Ash, I finally remembered what we do, and I want to do it again too).

For those of you who have bothered to read this whole thing, I thank you, and consider you true friends. For those of you who haven't... why are you on livejournal? Aside from that I do apologize for being so long winded, though I know some of you don't mind. I have catching up to do, and I will do it on my own time by posting here and there. I must remind myself that i am doing this more for me than for anyone else, but I do appreciate attention. Who doesn't.


My name is Aurelius.

P.S. Any tips on how to fly?

December 12th, 2007

The time of year

This time of year is hard for me. As much as I seem like a positive ground force on the outside these days, December is always tough. Yes, family time comes with christmas, and yes, my birthday is the 14th... but many years ago the December/January coldness iced my heart with the divorce of my parents, as well as the yearly turmoil of who I would be with and where I would go. It still leaves with me an anchor that pulls me down less every year, but still yanks at my chain and leaves me bobbing in the water like a buoy on a tight line.

I'm doing well despite this, and I'm happy to relay this news:
As much as my heart is tugged at from the latter event in my past each winter I just did do something well for myself. I have a pattern that only a couple of you out there know about, it's not too destructive, but it leaves me with little self esteem, and leaves me willess and down. I shine not in it. I won't tell the rest of you what it is, because I fear it is too personal. Anyways, I just turned it down. I felt its pull and I sniffed it's uncorked lip. I put that bottle down though, for I finally felt it's tinge, and how much simpler my life would be if I kept to my smaller battles day to day.

To drink this deadly wine that I speak of is to spend weeks and days and hours in turmoil, in hunt, in pursuit of something that will not come. It is to be tense and alive in the worst of ways, stuck under the earth, my small wings batting at the air, demanding flight and only getting exhaustion and molting.

I put that bottle down, I release it from my talons. I know the wine will be offered to me again, and again, and yet again. But I put it down, and I plan on putting it down many a more time. For freedom is more powerful, and freedom is here now, and I chose it.

If you had the patience to read this, I applaud you. I don't always have the patience to read others, though I do at times.

P.S. I'm also giving up AIM again. Pointless, totally pointless, and the conversations of late have been pretty pathetic. I'll stick to facebook and deviantart for now. Farewell buddy lists. I once again bid you away.

May we together put down those dangerous vials, and leave our hands off of our demonic dials. There is too much space to fly to forget the feeling of lift.

- Aurelius

November 28th, 2007



So it seems with the gaining of my mom's laptop computer I have more time spent on the computer each day than before. Huzzah. Not. I will say that I think it will be easier to write my Novel if I can lie in bed and type, especially since this keyboard is like gold and god to me. Very easy to type really quickly and accurately on. That last sentence took no effort at all. LOTS O BIG WURDS! GUHAHA. Sorry. Anyways. Yeah, so...

The upshot of all of this is that I'm getting much more clear about how I want to spend my time, and what my goals are. As much as I still struggle with some things (thanks to my painful upbringing), I find that I'm finally learning what it means to persevere, never give up your dreams, and enjoy life day to day even if it sucks.

So yeah. I could rant about tons of stuff right now, but honestly, I need to get ready for work. I'm so glad I finally have work, you have no idea. You really don't. Okay, maybe you do. I love my job. I may get paid a small amount, but I feel great there, and that is worth the money.

Below are two things... one is my WIP of my newest deviation. Quite cool but creepy if you ask me (and Cricket), and the other is a commercial for Amnesty International that is just bloody amazing. Enjoy!

November 27th, 2007


Lord Donegal

Seems to be a lot of venting going down, so I'll join the crowd with my tiny little squeek...
I hate windows and computers sometimes. They are great, and they suck away at my life and stay very fat and healthy, but my god. I just want to put Windows XP on my Apple with bootcamp.... but NOOOOOoooOOOO.... First my CD wouldn't work... it was scratched up. I canned that. I spent three days getting another disk... and now I'm trying to put that one on my computer. Everything went A-OK until I realized that the sound drivers weren't working! They are installed and operable, but the computer won't let me select one to play sound.. so my Windows is soundless. It's a bit hard to play Guild Wars WITH NO SOUND!

On a brighter note, it's nearly 3AM, and I have a functioning laptop computer! My mom got a Mac, and loves it. Her poor little Toshiba was neglected and sad until I wiped it's memory and gave it a new brain. Now it is happily letting me type away at LJ. I love the keyboard. It is very easy to use, I think I may write with this little thing from now on. I've always wanted one. Albeit, it does not have a working battery, but that's okay because I like just plugging it in, and that makes it lighter.

Hooray. Well I hope I can get windows working well. I'm amazed at how much time I can spend just trying to get that working. If I just spent as much time doing productive things I'd be god of the universe by now, but instead I'm the god of endlessly tweaking with my compys until I fall down from exhaustion or decide to get more mac and cheese... mmmm.... mac and cheese. Mac, hehe, get it?


November 20th, 2007


So I waited for you
What wouldn't I do
And I'm covered it's true
I'm covered in you

And if I ever want proof
I find it in you
Yeah I honestly do
In you I find proof

Light and dark
Bright spark
Light and dark
And then light

So I waited all day
What wouldn't I say
And are there things in your way
Things happen that way

Oh and if I ever want proof
Then I find it in you
Oh, yeah I honestly do
In you I find proof

Light and dark
Bright spark
Light and dark
And then light

Light, light, light, light

November 17th, 2007

Night Sky in my Heart

***Read this while listening to Loreena McKennit's La Serenissima on loop. if you don't have the song find something mellow and haunting yet sweet. It will convey my words stronger to you, as I wrote them listening to the former.


What can I say that won't penetrate that wall with a giant yellow graffiti on it entitled "cliche." As a writer and artist I try very hard to stay away from that. It hurts my eyes.

I've been changing very quickly these days. Old feelings, joys, as well as pains are arising to be negotiated and confronted. Last night I was a party and I spent much of it walking around outside. I had my dark coat on, up to my mouth and down to my knees. I love that coat. It kept me warm and cozy while the dark night coaxed and teased my cooling cheeks. I felt the pavement with my feet through my gortex boots. I felt like a shadow leaning against that 70's Benz, white in the night streaked with silver lining.
Looking up into the foggy night sky I could see the moon. Lines of power stretched overhead, as well as the silhouettes of telephone poles. In the background BART rushed by, taking unknown people to unknown destinations. An usual feeling was lingering inside. A part of me wanted to dissolve into that mist and see and feel all around, both the pain and the love. Wonderfully enough I was content to stand there, human, on the ground, feeling what I felt, and for once I cared not whether i was standing tight or loose, narrow or wide. I merely stood there.
People passed around me here and there, some seen, some unseen. It was easy to let them roll of of me, roll by me. I nodded and observed in the night, but never got close. I felt alone and content to me.
In my heart I felt a glowing warmth. It was not so much contentment but a willingness to let go of all that worried me, to let go of all the concerns that I know don't matter. There is more there, and life will provide it. One must be open. I was not open to beings last night, I was only open to the foggy moonlit sky inside my heart. Shadows and light played off of the plants and shapes I stared at. I sat beneath the door handle of that Benz, and stared out at those on the porch of that house. I didn't want to be close, I didn't want to be inside. I knew it would feel odd, I knew it would still smell of dog, fish, and cat food. It was gross. Out there I could smell the fresh air, as cold as it was. I could see the odd little horseshoe shape of light and shadow upon pieces of miner's lettuce. It was simple, and yet it was so deep.
Earlier I had sat inside watching Stranger than Fiction. Call me strange and emo, but I find that movie incredibly deep. Everyone around me was joking and being silly. I couldn't stand the criticism of the film, my deep moments were being ruined. So outside I went.
Two sat near me, but I didn't feel close to them, I felt at a distance. They understood not what I was going through, and not because I needed to be unique, but because what i was feeling was completely new. Older, wiser, but knowing of just how naive I am. There is so much in life, and somehow we find so little of that which matters. Even now these words that will be broadcast to you via the internet will hopefully synergize and convey some element of what I felt last night, and still feel in my heart at the moment. But last night it was my moment. I long to share it with someone, but I have myself, and this is enough.
I hope elements of this feeling stay with me forever. It is a slightly lonely feeling, but it holds within itself so much confidence and sight that I don't want to move far from it. I'd rather see it evolve... into flight. I've asked for that, and perhaps this is my next movement into that mode.

I leave these words to you unedited. If any of them ring inside you, feel that little glow in your heart, stay quiet, and remind yourself that you got a glimpse into both my soul and yours.


October 23rd, 2007

What am I?

Am I stuck in a dream? Would that be so bad, and how lucid is it? I don't know if I exist. I try to do so many things, and all I can do is feel. I'm in one of those spaces in which there is nothing to say and I have no clue how to express what is inside. I will try:

I fly at night,
I spread butter upon my toast,
Jam, honey, waffles, whatever I choose.
I make them and I eat them.
They hit the floor.

Why don't I remember what it is made out of?
The jelly, the wings?

I don't remember,
I'm trying to wake up.
To become Lucid in this life....
Ticking by, it goes, and out a window.

But this window is in my heart,
And out is in, and in is out.

I feel so much.
I feel so fucking much, and it often hurts.
It's often far from happiness,
It's often far from lies.
It's often far from clarity.

But I feel, and
for that I feel no shame.

But there are times I wish
I didn't spread so much jam on my toast.
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